while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
