The maid of honor just puked.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
