I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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