I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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