Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
where are my eyebrows?
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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