Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Randomize
