why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
