I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
