I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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