i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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