If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
