I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
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