guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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