Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
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