Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
