so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Randomize
