Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
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