Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
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