man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
