If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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