Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
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