found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
