my vag is so smooth its legendary
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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