true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
