You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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