nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Randomize
