Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
