Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
