Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Randomize
