Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
