Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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