I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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