There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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