I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
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