it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
