Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
