My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
