My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
