Hey man sorry I got all grabby
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i may or may not be watching the land before time
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
