is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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