Will you blow on my dice?
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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