i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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