so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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