1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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