your thong is hanging out like whoa
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
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