I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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