You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
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