The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
