this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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