dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
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My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
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Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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