dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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