looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Randomize
