I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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