There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Randomize
