i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
