the condom got lost in my hair
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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