We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
