I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
