Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Randomize
